Oh, Barbara Walters. You make it look so easy, vanishing into the magical closet of television for your open heart surgery and returning triumphantly via Skype (Seriously, Barbara? You couldn't get a film crew out to your apartment to clearly capture the sheen of exertion on your upper lip and the slight wrinkle of secret agony upon your brow? I am on to you and your intentional Internet-based obfuscation.). You're an 80 year old fighter, Barbara, we all know that, but please don't glamour America into thinking that heart surgery is no big deal and you're better than new. You can't push off the downsides as 'myths' and expect people to believe that your TEN DAY hospital stay was all sunshine and buttered muffins.
When you raised your arm in triumph over this pesky inconvenience, I felt the pull of your internal stitches despite your apparent ease of motion. I heard that tiny, impossible grating sound as the gritty edges of your sliced sternum ground against each other in an infinitesimal internal earthquake of your own making. Thankfully, you didn't try to show up with a pullover sweater, or I might never have been able to forgive you that deceit. It's true that everyone heals at their own pace, but this 'total miracle cure' stuff that you're shoveling just doesn't ring true for me.Saying that you're 'a little sore' but that you don't remember the first few days after surgery (or your blood transfusion!) is misleading and downplays reality in a big way.
It's barely been two short months, Ms. Walters. Here's what I know you're really feeling - fragile, shaky, and weak. Your sternum was hacked open with a chainsaw, my friend, and that is no small event for anyone, let alone an 80 year old. They hooked you up to a contraption which drained all of the blood from your body and kept your lungs working for you, and some surgeon stuck his plastic-wrapped fingers into your most sacred orifice - your chest cavity. It might not seem like such an amazing feat to you because all the while you slumbered in a drug induced haze, probably even then dreaming of your triumphant return to the small screen.
But, Barbara, do not diminish the accomplishments of your doctors and your own body with your eagerness to show your superhuman face to the loyal viewers. They took the motor of your body, tinkered with it in impossible ways, and restored your ability to live! Please, take a quiet moment to lie on your bed peacefully, staring at the ceiling, and appreciate the fact that you are recovering from a major life event.
No one will judge you harshly if you admit how tough it has been. In fact, people will probably appreciate you more if you describe some of the gory details and the problems you endured. (You know well how voyeuristic our culture has become!) The drainage tubes are surely a graphic and poignant illustration of how your body reacted to this surgical invasion. The brief and demoralizing inability to get into the shower, the difficulty of washing your hair, the pain of even raising your arms a few inches at first. The sneezing - oh God, the horror of the sneezing! Surely people will want to know how the brunt force of every evil sneeze slammed through your body like a sledgehammer, pulling internal stitches and causing bruised and stretched muscles to contract in agony. You'll never look at a sneeze the same way again, will you Barbara? With a little bit of your journalistic skill, neither will anyone else in America that owns a television.
Let me tell you this, rapt audience of The View, frankly and without exaggeration: open-heart surgery is a big deal. In fact, it is a big fucking deal, and there are no softer words to describe it. It is a procedure that, despite many miraculous medical breakthroughs over the years, still brings you very close to death before (hopefully) bringing you back to a better quality of life. I can only hope that this fact will be explored in detail when Ms. Walters returns to her show in September. It's all well and good to put a brave face on a horrible experience, but eventually, the painful human side of this life event should really be explored in depth so that it doesn't continue to come across as no worse than a hangnail or stubbed toe.
I would like to commend her for the brief medical descriptions of the surgery and her encouragement to women to get regular echo cardiograms with their yearly physical. That's exactly the kind of reminder that women need to take care of themselves, so that more of them will actually make it to eighty!
Here are a few links in case you're interested in learning more about this subject:
Definition and variations of 'open heart surgery'
What Barbara Walters Had Done Specifically
American Heart Association
AHA Heart Healthy Recipes
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